We are All Connected

As some of you know, my job is to telephonically case manage patients on dialysis. Mostly those that are newly diagnosed (some transfers or return patients). I talk to patients all day which is tiring, challenging and often heartbreaking. Recently, I was speaking with a gentleman who was just diagnosed with kidney failure and started dialysis. Treatment typically involves four hours, three days a week on a machine to clean the toxins out of the blood that the kidneys usually do.

The gentleman I was talking to was anything but gentle. He was rude and confrontational and made the call very difficult and frustrating. I finally got off the call and had some not too nice thoughts and words for him in the privacy of my office. I’m still doing chemo (until October) and having side effects that are still making life difficult. On top of that, for several days I have had bad low back pain, urethra spasms, and pain with swallowing due to swollen lymph nodes in my neck (still going on). I’m still working on not letting people and situations get to me while I struggle along on this journey. But folks, I am a work in progress.

I started making more calls and then received an email from a coworker that this patient called back and wanted me to call him. I thought, “great, I have to deal with him again.” I braced myself and dialed his number. He immediately apologized for his behavior and said he’s really having a hard time with the new diagnosis, but it was no excuse for the way he treated me. I told him that I understood as I was diagnosed with cancer several months ago and it has been very difficult. I told him I was sorry that he is having to go through dialysis. That I understand it is a devastating diagnosis and life changing. We wished each other well and ended the call. From the beginning of the conversation, I could hear that he was choked up, as was I. It was all I could do to maintain control until I got off the call.

Then I completely lost it! I'm talking gut wrenching, doubled over, rocking and sobbing…for a long time. Tears of pain, sadness, fear, fatigue, frustration, guilt, shame and so much more. Pain, sadness, and frustration for all I’ve been through since May, and am still going through. Fear whenever something new is going on in my body. Like what is causing the swollen lymph nodes. Guilt and shame for my reaction to the patient’s meanness. For not recognizing and understanding why he was being the way he was, and extending grace and love. We all react differently when we are in some form of pain.

Steaming hot tears streamed down her face. But instead of

brushing them aside she let them fall freely.

For a wise woman once told her that her tears

were the most healing water of them all.

Then I thought about how we are all connected, every single one of us to each other, to the animals, to the earth, to the Creator, to the universe.

We all struggle in life, some to degrees I cannot even imagine. Emotionally, physically, financially, mentally, spiritually. Lots of losses. Loss of a relationship, a job, a loved one, a child (I know who you are, and I see you)! Dreams dashed. A devastating health diagnosis. The list goes on and on. But we are all connected. We have each other. We need each other. Through the good, the bad and the ugly. Who do you know that is struggling right now? What can you say or do to ease the burden, to remind them that they are loved and not alone? Maybe you are the one struggling, and most likely in some way, shape or form you are. What can you do for yourself that you haven’t lately or for a while? What self care do you need right now to fill your cup back up so that you can give to others?

Family gathering July 2023, Colorado Springs, CO.

We have a new addition to the family this week! Great grandson Everett Braxton Porter was born on Tuesday, February 18. I get to meet him today but I am already in love with him!! Because he is an extention of me by three generations. Because I am in love with his parents, his big sister, his grandpa, his grandpa’s sweetheart, his auntie, his uncle, his cousins, and his whole extended family. The crazy, lovable souls I get to call family! He is a reminder that we are all connected!!! Now I’m crying big tears of joy!

Everett Braxton Porter