Out of Sorts and Brave

Thunderbirds flyover for the annual Air Force Academy graduation (taken from the back

yard which is adjacent to the AFA property)

September 3: Last Friday’s third chemo treatment packed a punch! Side effects hit early and hard. I usually feel okay through the weekend but not this time around. Also, the steroid that is taken for five days around each treatment had me all jangled up for a few days. I was one big raw nerve and everyone and everything was getting on it. I was impatient, angry, emotional and sleep deprived. Of course, initially I was beating myself up for behaving and thinking badly. But I knew that was not me, it was the medication. I decided to give myself the grace that I don’t hesitate to extend to others…and I prayed a lot.

My excitement and hope of taking a hike and getting some pictures over Labor Day weekend were dashed. I had even purchased a hat with a side and face covering since the chemo makes everything highly sensitive and even a little sun causes a bad sunburn and rash. On previous occasions, I thought just a few minutes in the yard to take care of our resident animals and water the flowers would be okay. Nope.

So, plan B for the long weekend – Rest, sleep, reading, journaling, tv. I have been reading Niki Hardy’s book Breathe Again and doing the journal. Niki lost her mother and sister to cancer. Six weeks after her sister passed, Niki was diagnosed with cancer. She is not only a survivor but a “thriver.” She talks about “choose brave.” It doesn’t have to be big like the Thunderbirds flyover – just intentional. Healing takes courage. Especially when the body feels like it is completely falling apart and brief moments of despair threaten to take you under. But I chose brave and took joy in the small accomplishments. Larry and I took a short walk Sunday and Monday evening after the sun hid it’s face behind the mountain. I put the morning goodies out for my furry and feathered friends, and freshened up their bird bath and drinking water. They are so spoiled! I made “big fat Amish sugar cookies” for my sweetie because he likes them, and I like him.

Whatever you may be facing my friend, choose brave! Take little steps in the direction you want to go. You are strong. You are courageous. You are an overcomer. You are a thriver!

Today is the day after Labor Day and normally a work day. But as part of my healing journey, I am no longer pushing myself through the hard days. I am learning to let some things go: My lifelong heightened sense of responsibility, toxic guilt, the need for things to be tidy and orderly, a timely schedule. Practice makes better, not perfect. I am practicing – letting go, self-care, humility, patience, strength, faith, overcoming, self-love, loving others more, holding loved ones closer, unconditional love, forgiveness, encouraging others, acceptance, surrender. Isn’t life a continuous practice? An ongoing rehearsal for the show that is our life. We play our part and hope we get it right. But we won’t always get it right, and that’s okay. It’s more than okay. Because it’s in the struggles and so-called failures that we stretch, and grow, and learn, and live!

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me". 2 Corinthians 12:9

One of my favorite sayings (especially now) – This too, shall pass