A Bald Head and a White Tiger

Bobcat in the yard

July 28: Broke out in dermatitis and a rash on my face. Have an infected fingernail and what appears to be conjunctivitis. Oncologist prescribed an antibiotic. Chemo…that gift that keeps on giving.

July 30: Had Larry shave my head before there was hair everywhere. I was not at all sad or upset. In fact, when Larry got done we laughed so hard, I almost peed my pants. It is different! I don’t miss having to do my hair. I shaved Larry’s hair a few days later. We are just two bald peas in a pod.

August 4: It’s been five days since I’ve had a bald head. Takes some getting used to. Scared myself the first several times I passed a mirror. Who is that person? Oh I know her! She is the same woman who used to worry so much about her looks and having it all together. Whose mother drilled it into her head to always looks her best. Be the perfect little girl, a nice young lady, and an attractive woman. She is the little girl who grew up always being told what she did wrong or not good enough. Who for years tried to her best to receive approval and validation. The woman whose quest for perfection in everything led to overdoing, dissatisfaction, anxiety and unfulfillment so many times. The woman who for years now has replaced the tapes in her head with new ones like:

I am enough just the way I am

I don't have to impress anyone

It’s okay to not be perfect

It’s okay to be a big mess sometimes – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually

It’s okay to admit your fears and insecurities

I am worthy of love…

As I look at this picture right now and type, I am crying. Because now I really see this beautiful woman who has a big heart for people, for animals, and for life. I see someone who got a nursing degree in her 30’s while raising two young teens as a single mom while working full time – and I am so proud of her! I see a woman who has overcome many seemingly impossible obstacles with bravery and perseverance. I see a woman who forgave long ago when she came to realize that her mother was coping the best she could with her own life. She came to understand that her mother did love her and was sorry in her old age but too proud to say so. Despite it all, and perhaps because of it all, she came to love her mother more deeply out of a heart of compassion. Finally, I see a woman who is grateful that some things are being stripped away so that she can now fully see the beauty and light in herself and others. And I love her!!

This week, I dreamt that a white tiger was charging at me. Instead of running, I picked up what resembled a long large spear from the ground, faced the tiger as he charged at me, and stopped him in his tracks. Then I woke up. The tiger represents the cancer and the treatments. I am facing it head on and I will be victorious!

A few days ago, I was looking out the front windows watching a hummingbird eat from the flowers in the hanging baskets. He flew up the window at my eye level and hovered there several seconds. I felt that was Spirit saying, “here’s a little gift for you; we see you.”

YOU are perfect and beautiful just the way you are! Do not let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

…and do not miss those simple gifts that are sent especially for you just when you need them.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made - Psalm 139:14